Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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