Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
