he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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