i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
