Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
