This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
