Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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