I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
