Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
