real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
