and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
