If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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