im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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