Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just had sex on a roof
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
