last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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