I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
