Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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