he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
