dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
