Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
