my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
