Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
