Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
