Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
