I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
