I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
