At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
