I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
