I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I need to sanitize my soul.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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