Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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