I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't deserve a penis
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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