I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
