DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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