Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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