Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
