Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
