i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
