Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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