i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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