saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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