I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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