would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
