I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
