dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
