Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Shame - the story of my life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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