I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
FUCK WHALES
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
