I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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