I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How does it feel to date your dad?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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