someone threw a dead crab at me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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