You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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