i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
