Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
