seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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