he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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