and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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