We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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