My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My cat gives me a boner
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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