I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
