member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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